freecat15: (Buffy lips)
2016-10-20 11:35 pm
Entry tags:

Runner Up!

I still can't really believe this: My icon has been voted Runner Up on [ profile] wicked_awards:


Thank you so, so much, whoever nominated it!

And congrats to all the other winners on my flist (and wow, there are a lot, and well deserved each one of them! Check it out, lots of pretty pictures to look at and great fics to read: )!
freecat15: (Spuffy Porch)
2016-09-26 08:19 pm
Entry tags:

Drabble: Synchronized Moves

I said I would post everything I've written on my LJ bit by bit, so here is the next piece.
This was my very first entry anywhere on LJ, and I was so damn nervous... Since almost everyone on my flist also reads over on Fag Ends, you'll probably all know it already anyway, but I really want to have it all in one place (I had already forgotten about this one...).

Prompt: Synchronised Moves
Setting: BtVS early s6/ around 'All the Way'
Rating: PG 15
Length: 100 words


He kicks, too, the same moment as she does; she sees it from the corner of her eye.

Her demon approaches her with a roar. So does Spike’s, but each deals them several blows, followed by a side kick, moving toward each other, back to back.

They exchange a glance, and then their demons; with a spin kick they introduce themselves to their new opponent. Then they both whirl once more, using the momentum to sever their demon’s heads, Buffy with her sword, Spike with the ax.

They are completely in sync, she thinks, startled.

Dancing on thin ice.
freecat15: (smile)
2016-09-10 06:19 pm

A lot happened...

It's been a while...
I had some busy and exciting weeks, so I just didn't find the time to post anything. Two weeks ago school started again, and the only one of us just going back there as before is my third son (a seventh grader now).
My oldest son graduated from high school in July and starts going to college in October. My second son left junior high school and is a sophomore student at high school now, and my daughter went from elementary to junior high (or middle school? I'm not really clear on what it's called. She's in fifth grade now).

And I, I said 'good bye' to my fourth graders in July, too (they also left elementary) and 'hello' to a new class of first graders last week which will be my class for the next four years.

I'm positively surprised by these students. I'm working in a school in a social hot spot with all the challenges you'd expect to have there, and my last class was - difficult. I loved them, but it took a lot of strength to work with them, even more than usual. The new ones seem to be a lot calmer and ready to observe the rules, and while there were some really aggressive vibes from day one in my last class, this one didn't show any sign of that until now. A LOT better start than four years ago, so I'm pretty happy. Of course there's the highly traumatized refugee boy who kind of does what he wants (and comes when he wants...), but he does it friendly. There's this other refugee boy that doesn't speak much German, but I gladly switched to English for the important things once I realized he speaks some. Also, he smiles all the time and is generally totally cute. Then there's this boy whose stepfather already threatened me and the principal (because we believed his son who said no one had beaten him, go figure), but his son is a little weird, but not aggresive at all. And the others are pretty normal, cute kids. Good times.

Meanwhile I got some more banners *beams* :

banner WE149MC.png
banner WE149BMC.png
Banner SS 74.png

They are all made by the wonderful [ profile] red_satin_doll, and as always with her banners they are not just gorgeous, but bring out the icons even better than they are solo!

And then there was the first challenge over at [ profile] btvs_lims, and what I never expected - I survied it, without a single vote against my icon at that! There was really tough competition, awesome icons all around, so I'm beyond happy I still survived! Tonight is the deadline of the second challenge with the voting probably posted tomorrow, so go have a look and maybe even vote.

To complete the good things happening to me lately - another one of my fics has been nominated at [ profile] wicked_awards ! It was my entry at seasonal spuffy - A New Life. It's not that I see any chance in winning anything there, the competition is way too strong, but just being nominated means someone thought it worthy, and that is just neat! So THANK YOU whoever did it!!! You absolutely made my day!
freecat15: (smile)
2016-08-16 01:02 am
Entry tags:

More bragging...

I actually couldn't believe it. Even less than the first time, and let me tell you, I checked for five minutes then wether I really understood it right.

I've been nominated again, but this time - for one of my icons! An icon of me is nominated at [ profile] wicked_awards ! Can you believe that? I still barely can!
It's this one:

Anya looking downicon10.png

I still feel weird with all the bragging, that's usually not my style (and other than certain bleached blonde ones, I really mean that), but I have to tell someone who understands how truly fantastic I feel with this! It's not about getting congrats.
And I don't need to win. Being nominated - I already won.

Whoever did this - thank you so, so much! It was a wonderful present!
freecat15: (Passion)
2016-08-11 10:29 pm
Entry tags:

Ficlet: see me feel me/ touch me heal me

I realized I didn't post the nominated drabble on my journal yet of these days I'm going to go though my stuff and post the few things I posted elsewhere (including haiku and such...) here too. Even if most people on my flist have read it already, it feels...more complete, somehow.
And I'm starting with this.

The double drabble was written for  [ profile] sb_fag_ends. It was inspired by the wonderful banner nmcil12 posted over at Seasonal Spuffy: . Go have a look at it if you haven't already.

Many thanks to the lovely red_satin_doll who beta read it, despite still being half sick.

Title: see me feel me/ touch me heal me
Prompt: Wishful Thinking
Setting: BtVS s6, around DMP
Rating: PG15
Length: 200 words (plus titles)

see me feel me

Her eyes are closed.

He presses a kiss right beside one, a silent plea to open them, but she turns her head. Striving away from him, always away, with every part she doesn’t need connected to him.

At the same time she clamps him with her legs, hard, punishing him instantly for this audacity, making unmistakably clear which part of him she’s here for. Not his lips.

Not on her face at least.


He only thinks her name, softly, tenderly. Needing to be closer to her, but not daring to say it.

He wishes she would see him.

touch me heal me

She can almost hear him say her name, the same tenderness in his voice that she feels in his hands on her body. She tries to flee from it, to move away from him.

Can’t though. Can’t afford to leave this behind. This brief connection to the world, this brief semblance of life.

His kiss beside her eye burns into her, and she feels tears welling up behind her lids. Can’t shed them, of course. Can’t open her eyes. He already knows too much.

Because however she tries to hide, he always sees her.

She’s afraid she could see him too.

(Titles by The Who)
freecat15: (glee)
2016-08-11 10:26 pm



I'm nominated at  [ profile] wicked_awards! To be exact - the last (double) drabble I wrote for [ profile] sb_fag_ends is! I can't even tell you how happy that made me! I feel honored and am flattered by the company I find myself in!

So, whoever did it - thank you so much!
freecat15: (Slayer)
2016-08-02 12:59 am
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LIMS-BTVS round 11, sign ups

I did round 10. Got thrown out in the frist challenge. Did the come-back challenge - alas, I didn't come back.
But: It was still fun, and I learned so much that round! The concrit I (and otheres, even though I didn't always agree) got there was kind and so helpful, and I want that again!

So, despite knowing I've no chance in hell to survive even one challenge, I'm still going to do it again:

Sign ups at [ profile] lims_btvs are still possible, so go over and, well, sign up! The more participate, the more fun it is!
freecat15: (smile)
2016-06-26 03:18 pm
Entry tags:


Three more awards for my icons, and one is even for First Place!
I still don't know what else to do with these, and I'm too proud to not show them...
Also, the banners made by [ profile] starry_night are gorgeous, aren't they? Challenge #70 was '100' - icons for episode 100 of either BtVS or ATS, hence the tower platform in the background.

Banner SS#70.png

Banner SS#70MC.png

Banner SS#71.png
freecat15: (Giles with rose)
2016-06-24 01:21 pm
Entry tags:

55 days of BtVS: Day 12

Yes, I'm still writing...

Day 12: favorite season 2 episode

In season 2 the quality of the show improves considerably. While there are still some slip-ups to mourn (I look at you, Go Fish!), it also contains some episodes that in my opinion belong to the best of the whole show. It already starts with When She Was Bad that correlates directly not only with regards to content, but also quality wise with its fantastic predecessor Prophecy Girl.  School Hard follows, Lie To Me, Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered, I Only Have Eyes For You and the fantastic double features Surprise/Innocence and, of course, Becoming I and II. All of them are television at its best; but there’s one episode that really knocks it out of the park for me: Passion.

Passion is a milestone. It’s the one episode where the audience gets hit with the fact that on this show, NO character is safe, not even those who are in the inner circle, and thus catapults the whole series on a whole new level of scary.

And talking about scary – it’s this episode where Angelus really reveals for the first time how very much frightening he is. It’s not even his murder of Jenny that shows us who and what Angelus really is and what he’s capable of. It’s the subtlety with which he works on demoralizing Buffy, the way he uses his intimate knowledge to get to her – through those she loves most. (Willow’s fish in an envelope on her bed – eek!) Threatening the Slayerettes proves to be most effective and it’s not so much the murder of Jenny that crushes her, it’s what it does to Giles, and Angelus knows that.

What Angelus didn’t anticipate though is the strength of the bond between the friends. It’s the threat against Willow that, instead of weakening her, works as a wake-up call. It’s right after that incident, in the company of Willow to keep her safe that she realizes how much of herself she gave away to Angel, captured by her first real love; admitting to her friend that her first instinct amidst everything happening still is to call Angel is the first step to take charge of her life again.

In this episode it gets unmistakably clear that what might have appeared kind of endearing to many viewers – the tendency to stalk Buffy from the moment he sees her, both before and after he met her and even after coming together (“I lurk…”) – is an inherent trait that Angelus always used to his advantage in his perverse mind games and is in fact even on Angel anything but endearing, but creepy and, considering where this habit comes from, downright scary.

Passion perfectly follows through with the set up that started with Innocence, and turns out to be the episode were Buffy’s life truly takes a turn to the dramatic and changes forever. While after Innocence the hope still lingered that the loss of Angel’s soul could somehow be repaired or compensated, that there’s still something of Angel inside him that can be revived, it’s here, the moment when she hears of Jenny’s death, that Buffy realizes she has to stop him. It’s certainly one of the worst of her life, and Angel’s pleasure outside her window makes it so much worse.

So much already happened in this episode until this moment, it would’ve been a fantastic one even if it ended right there. But it doesn’t. It gives us the incredible moment between Buffy and Giles on top that shows the decision Buffy made – for her loved ones. Once more, like before in Prophecy Girl, she actively decides to fight the good fight and accept her loss – for those she loves the most. It’s where her passion lies. But this time she doesn’t sacrifice her own feelings and desires; instead she finally begins to take some of her identity back, a process she will complete in Becoming II the moment she catches the sword.

Giles acknowledges what she’s doing as what it is and how hard it is on her and reacts instantly, even though deeply grieving, with supporting her, which displays in letting her cling to him after saving him against his will and hitting him, thus accepting that she needs him, and later letting her even mourn together with him at Jenny’s grave. What started at the end of Innocence with him giving her his sympathy and respect instead of reproach and disapproval beautifully culminates here in their getting even closer than before. It’s here, I think, where Giles truly begins to grow into the role as a surrogate father. In trying to rip them apart, Angelus only managed to strengthen their bond.

But Passion is not only brilliant in its thematic tightness; it’s also outstanding in its execution. From the chilling voice-over in the beginning and ending scenes to the excellent music to directing and cutting it’s a masterpiece of television. Additionally it plays the emotional scale up and down virtuously. It contains two of the very rare scenes alone that never fail to drive me to tears – first the moment Giles climbs his stairs, such hope and joy gleaming in his eyes and turning to absolute terror the next moment, brilliantly enhanced by ‘La Bohème’ in the background;

and then the subsequent phone call to Buffy and Willow. Especially this one is brilliantly shot, reminding of a very similar shot where Angel revealed to Buffy his old true self. This time, the veil it’s shot through separates them where before it had them appear like in an enclave – together against the world. This time, it’s her friend Buffy is together with.

And then there’s the scene of Angelus hunting and murdering Jenny – truly terrific in writing, acting, lighting and filming, climaxing in the realization that it hasn't been an empty threat when Angelus said his ‘and teacher – makes – three’. Horror at its best.

Additionally there's so much happening aside this main plot - Buffy kind of forgiving Jenny for the sake of Giles; Joyce having The Talk with Buffy; Spike and Angelus becoming more and more hostile toward each other; Willow picking up the teacher's role; the first mention of Xander’s Snoopy Dance - which all contribute to making this a brilliant episode.

I love how significant the title of this episode is. It’s all about the risk of letting passion rule you and letting someone in, even if it’s someone you love, but “don’t know if I trust you” and the looming consequences if you’re making  a mistake. But it’s beautifully balanced out with the positive consequences it can have if it’s the right one to trust. Even if Buffy has to let go of Angel, thanks to her friends she doesn’t have to live a life without passion - she doesn’t have to live a life where she’s emotionally dead. And this is what in the end gives her the strength to kill the man she loves - for the greater good, but first and foremost for her friends.
freecat15: (porch profile)
2016-06-04 11:30 pm
Entry tags:

Another icon award!

And again one of my icons won the mod's choice over at [ profile] whedon_elite !
[ profile] red_satin_doll made this wonderful banner:


Thank you both, the mods and the bannermaker!
freecat15: (happy dance)
2016-05-26 11:39 pm
Entry tags:


My participation in the LIMS BTVS challenge lasted exactly one round. I hadn't expected more, and it was still fun. What I loved about it though is the concrit I got there. It's the only challenge I saw so far where voters are requested to not only vote, but also explain the reason why they voted an icon out. And of course everyone tries their best not to hurt people, so they really gave some good advice.

I took some of it and worked the participating icon over once more. They said it was too dark, which was true, the writing was too big (I had it a lot smaller, but enhanced the size in fear of it being unreadable, and I'd noticed it was a little too big in the end, but it was already way too late that night to change it again, so I let it. A mistake I won't make again...) and too dark (which I don't agree on, so I didn't change that). They were also right that the cutting away from the background was to harsh. This was something that really caught my eye in direct comparison to the other posted icons, but you don't see them before voting, so I didn't have the comparison, and I just still lack experience. (Then again, my untrained eyes maybe wouldn't have seen it even in comparison...)

I thought I show you the difference it made:

Loss1.jpg vs. 

It's really minor things I did, but the difference is still huge. I don't know if this would have kept me from being voted out, but I like it more.

So, why am I telling you all that?
I loved the concrit. I am so new to this that every advice what to do better gets me, well, better. Also, I was a little frustrated about the result (because of course I had hoped to last at least one round. Even if I knew I wouldn't, hope dies last after all, and participating without it makes no sense at all! And thank you again, red_satin_doll, for your encouraging words, they helped a lot!) and played around a bit more, and I wanted to present you the result. And (that's why I told you the whole thing) I'm not averse to getting critic on it (as long as it's constructive).

Here goes:

So, what do you think?
freecat15: (happy dance)
2016-05-22 09:07 pm
Entry tags:

55 days of BtVS: Day 11

It took a while. Again.
I blame it on the stress I had with my son's broken leg, many, many hours at the hospital for re-casting, plural, making new x-ray photographs again, and again, and in the end having surgery after all. All I could focus on beside that and still caring for my other kids, and house keeping, and work at school, was making pretty pictures from pretty people.
But here it is, the next day of 55 days:

Day 11: Least favorite male character

Like every ‘least favorite’, this isn’t easy; there aren’t many things and characters that I don’t like, but that are still important to the show. Of course there’s Parker, and I could argue that he’s pretty important in what he and his behavior do to Buffy, but that still feels like kind of a cop out.

So I pick the one guy I truly don’t like at all – Warren.

When Warren first appeared, I still felt compassion for him. Yes, he built himself a creepy sex bot, but he did it because he felt lonely, and what he wanted from her was feeling loved, right? And at least he realized that she in no way could replace a real person.

But then he did this thing with just leaving her behind, not even giving it any thought that if he succeeded in making her so alive-like, she  maybe was capable of feeling abandoned. Hid from her even when he saw how desperately she searched for him, instead of giving her some peace of mind, or, you know, switch her off, and even after getting it he still didn't show any remorse. My sympathy made a 180 and turned into disgust instantly (which happens rarely, I almost always still find something redeemable in people!), and I cheered Katrina on when she left him.

When he reappeared in season 6, it became clear pretty quickly that his behavior wasn’t just a slip, and here's why:

Over the course of the season he displays a lot of criminal energy to achieve his goals, and doesn’t shy away from capital offense either, the museum robbery being one of them, but culminating of course at first in the intension to rape and then the manslaughter of Katrina.

On the surface still the funny guy and certainly highly intelligent, admired for this and his strength by Andrew till the end, he soon shows that he’s at the core manipulative and deeply selfish, and goes all out to get what he wants, stopping at nothing, having no qualms about throwing his friends under the bus at the first opportunity. Basically he shows almost every trait typical for psychopaths, such as high self-confidence paired with lack of conscience and empathy, charming on the outside, use of cruelty to gain empowerment, defiance of authority; he’s eloquent as a speaker which he uses to manipulate people.

That's how he seduces both Andrew and Jonathan to do nasty and even illegal things, even though neither of them is stupid or in any way evil. But for a while they bath in his attention, not realizing what he really needs them for.

It's no coincidence that The First chooses Warren to further entice Andrew to do its bidding, going even so far to have him kill his only friend Jonathan. Besides Andrew being an easy target, it's still the huge influence Warren has on him and his capabilty of being convincing.

Even though watching Warren is kind of thrilling and therefore enjoyable, I really, really don't like him. I’m firmly against death penalty. But when Willow kills him I can’t help but cheer (well, the flaying wasn’t necessary, I guess…).

Actually ‘don’t like’ isn’t a strong enough expression for Warren. He scares me, much more than any monster could, because people like him exist in reality.

He’s a true monster.
freecat15: (happy dance)
2016-05-22 12:26 am
Entry tags:


I've tasted blood (no pun intended)! Making icons is kind of addictive, as my aching neck could tell you.
So I decided to participate here:

There's still the chance tosign up ), but only for a few hours (11 pm ET), and everyone gets a skip point, so you could still participate even if you hadn't an icon for the first challenge!

There's a really, really strong competition, so I won't last long, but that's okay. I just want to take the challenge to do something with pics I haven't chosen myself and make something with it.
*Off to sign up*
freecat15: (Giles at door)
2016-05-21 01:00 am
Entry tags:

I got an award banner!

For most of you this is probably as normal as having breakfast, but for me it's not! only three weeks after downloading GIMP (and never having done anything like it before!), I participated at [ profile] whedon_elite 's latest icon challenge, and one of my icons won the mod's choice! I never even thought anyone would vote for one of my things, and I made a happy dance each and every time it still happened, and then this!

And now I even got an award banner made by the wonderful [ profile] red_satin_doll, and isn't it beautiful?
(Okay, I have no idea if this is the common thing to do, but I post it here. I'm pretty proud of it, okay?)

freecat15: (got it done)
2016-05-06 03:53 pm
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Image: Got it Done

I experimented a little with GIMP yesterday, which is still really new to me. I wanted to create an icon, but since it's way to small to be effective as icon, but I still like it, I thought I post it. The icon I did use instead (see this post) was much easier and faster done...(grumble, grumble...), but I like this one more (even if I know it's nothing special).

freecat15: (got it done)
2016-05-05 11:13 pm

55 days of BtVS: Day 10

Between work, jumping through hoops for a broken-leg kid and delightfully spending hours in clinic waiting rooms again I finally found a little time to write the next of 55 days of BtVS. Took me long enough.

Day 10: Favorite male character

Spike. Always was, always will be.

My whole life I’ve been a sucker for bad boys with a soft side, and Spike fits this description perfectly from his first moments on the show. But it’s so much more than that.

Until he shows up, vampires are either evil and dumb or evil and annoying. Or soul-having and boring. Spike is different from the beginning, and it’s no coincidence that the show’s quality picks up notably from the moment he appears. He adds a dynamic to it that hasn’t been there before; he’s unpredictable – fun at one moment, threatening the next,

delightfully evil first, soft and tender immediately after.

It takes all of two scenes on screen for him to show that he’s not the stereotype vampire we knew until then, but a wonderfully layered character and a captivating new Big Bad at that.

But it doesn’t stop there. His character, already so much more interesting from the get go than most of the others, experiences the most changes and growth that I have seen in any show to date.  It’s not only marked by a beautiful and impressing redemption arc, but it turns out that this is only the last part of his many transformations.

As we see in Fool for Love, after 3 years of knowing him, he started out completely different than we always thought - as a shy and bullied-by-his-peers Victorian gentleman who cares deeply for his mother.

He then becomes a vampire that still cares and is capable of deep emotions such as love and devotion, reinvents himself to the evil Spike we get to know in all his bad-ass-ness,

only to fall victim to the one trait neither turning nor self-modeling could take away – his ability to love.

It’s what makes his redemption arc so special and the most beautiful I know of on screen – he again changes fundamentally, and this time knowingly, willingly, for love. It’s not the chip setting him on this path (though it certainly helps with the awareness); with the chip he’s still absolutely enjoying his work of destroying the bond of friendship surrounding the Slayer, and his evilness altogether. It’s the moment when realization hits him that he has fallen in love with her that changes everything. The moment he wakes up and knows it, he’s shocked to the core, because he knows instantly he will act on it, which means life as he knew it for the last century is over.

Watching him trying his hardest, making himself vulnerable, letting him being tortured rather than betraying his love’s sister, becoming a trusted ally, breaking down at Buffy’s death, then trying and failing to help her, and ultimately failing her and himself – that’s just incredibly heartbreaking or heartwarming and always utterly fascinating. Seeing him doing the unthinkable as the immediate consequence, getting his soul back and thus going the final, the crowning step of his redemption all by himself and as willingly as all the other steps is indescribable satisfying to me.

And he’s still not finished. He suffers from his past deeds, but instead of sinking into depression changes himself again, this time to the useful fighter he needs to be to support his love, finally finding a healthy balance in the end.

Well, before he dies, sacrificing his life for the world and thus fully redeeming himself.

I love that he not simply reverts to his old Victorian self with the soul, this guy that the vampire always hated and wanted to get rid of, but picks the best of each persona he ever presented.
Soulful Spike could’ve turned out as lame as Joan predicts, but he’s still so interesting.

James Marsters has a huge part in the fascination that is Spike. Without his incredible ability to act the hell out of his character from the start, I doubt he would have become a regular. He brings out each of the layers within with just a look, a tilt of his head, a smile so small that it can almost not be seen.

But it’s not only his good looks or even the acting; it’s the perfect symbiosis – I don’t even find JM that attractive, except when he plays Spike. Then he’s gorgeous. It’s both – the character and the one who brings him to life.

BtVS is a fantastic show with many fantastic characters played by brilliant actors, but apart from the core four, most of them are replaceable, more or less, without losing much. But there’s no doubt for me: Without James Marsters’ Spike, Buffy wouldn’t be the same.

(Well, duh!)
freecat15: (Default)
2016-04-30 11:27 pm
Entry tags:

fic: Melting Fire - Chapter 19/19

I finally wanted to work on 55 days yesterday, but instead I had the great joy to stand around in clinic corridors for 5 hours straight, comforting a really hurting kid, because my poor youngest son broke his leg on a half-pipe. Not with a bike or on a skate board, mind you. He just ran. (He's 11, not 3...)
And today I jumped through hoops the whole day...He's still shaky on his crotches, and boy, is a full-leg cast heavy!
But it's all good, he's home again and doesn't need surgery since he's luckily just young enough to heal with only a cast. Probably.

So, still no 55 days today.
But at least the last chapter of Melting Fire.
Here goes...

Title: Melting Fire
Pairing: Buffy/Spike
Rating: NC17
Length: >100,000 words
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. Only the plot, one demon and the veil are.
Setting: Right after 'Dead Things'
Summary: The night after, all he wants is talk.
The night after, there’s nothing she wants less than talking.
And suddenly they find themselves in another dimension; one that Buffy can’t leave. There’s only one way to get her out. A way with consequences.

Chapter 19: After the Storm (Part II) )
freecat15: (Default)
2016-04-27 10:11 pm
Entry tags:

fic: Melting Fire - Chapter 18

I'm kinda slow with posting at the moment; RL is being very demanding right now.
But here is at least the next chapter. 18 posted, one to go...

Title: Melting Fire
Pairing: Buffy/Spike
Rating: NC17
Length: >100,000 words
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. Only the plot, one demon and the veil are.
Setting: Right after 'Dead Things'
Summary: The night after, all he wants is talk.
The night after, there’s nothing she wants less than talking.
And suddenly they find themselves in another dimension; one that Buffy can’t leave. There’s only one way to get her out. A way with consequences.

Chapter 18: Awake my Soul )
freecat15: (Default)
2016-04-22 08:43 pm
Entry tags:

fic: Melting Fire - Chapter 17

Title: Melting Fire
Pairing: Buffy/Spike
Rating: NC17
Length: >100,000 words
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. Only the plot, one demon and the veil are.
Setting: Right after 'Dead Things'
Summary: The night after, all he wants is talk.
The night after, there’s nothing she wants less than talking.
And suddenly they find themselves in another dimension; one that Buffy can’t leave. There’s only one way to get her out. A way with consequences.

Chapter 17: Behind Blue Eyes )
freecat15: (Default)
2016-04-20 11:30 pm
Entry tags:

55 days of BtVS: Day 9

Day 9: Most horrible death

That’s a hard one. There are so many deaths of beloved characters, and they are all horrible. There’s Jenny, there’s Angel (temporary), there’s Joyce, and of course there’s Spike, and as far as horrible deaths are concerned, I have to count even Warren. But ultimately the one that got to me the most was probably Tara’s death.

I had known that Spike would sacrifice himself at the end of s7 before it happened, and I had known about him showing up at AtS. (Of course, I still bawled my eyes out, and still do every time I watch it.) But I had not the slightest clue that Tara would die. I had heard of Willow going dark, but had no idea what would bring this on, hadn’t thought about it too hard either.

I was still in the middle of a happy dance much like Dawn’s about the joy on my screen of Tara and Willow finally being together again when the shot happened. And it left me completely shocked.
If ever a character doesn’t deserve to die, it’s Tara. She is so purely good and, very rare in BtVS, almost flawless that she could come across as annoying and boring, but she never does. Her kindness toward everybody is always heartwarming to watch. She manages to tell the truth without being blunt or offending. She has a very healthy stance on magic and on life in general. She takes on the role of a parent for Dawn with so much love and warmth, and she continues to care for her even after moving out.

 I can’t imagine anyone not loving her for her reaction to Buffy’s meltdown in Dead Things, when she’s not only there for her, isn’t afraid to ask questions and listens to her, but gives support in a way that is unexpected - she’s understanding, encouraging even, instead of condemning when she thinks Buffy loves Spike, but also when she realizes that’s not the case, and offers Buffy the possibility to deal with what she did without feeling so guilty.

Her development from an overly shy girl to a self-assured young woman is beautiful. I admire her strength to leave Willow - the woman that had awakened the self-confidence in Tara - when it becomes necessary despite still loving her so much. I love how naturally she stands up for Willow in Older and Far Away, and how easily she puts Spike in his place in the same episode, being hilarious without hurting him. This all clearly shows that she really came into her own – she doesn’t need Willow for being self-confident.

That she still loves Willow, independent as she is then, is a huge part of why Willow finds the strength on her own to withstand the lure of magic – and it all falls apart with the shot that kills Tara. It’s not only Tara who gets killed there, but also the very thing that keeps Willow together.

What makes it even more shocking – in a show that is all about the supernatural as main source of evil that is constantly threatening to kill beloved characters, it’s a death that isn’t caused supernaturally;  she doesn’t die for the cause, in a fight where she knows she risks her life. It befalls her at home where she deems herself safe, it’s an ordinary murder by a human, and the bullet wasn’t even intended for her. With additionally it happening right at the moment she had wished for so long, when she is finally reunited with the woman she loves and happy, it’s the epitome of a tragic death, and ultimately almost destroys the world.

But while Willow’s pain and despair are hurtful to watch – it’s usually only when Dawn stays with Tara’s dead body because she doesn’t want her to be alone that I realize how horribly the death of the gentle witch really hits me.

It’s then that I always start to cry.